I swear to Celestia, When I get my hooves on that ungrateful, treacherous little shi… she’ll wish she never seen the light of… sassing me like that in front of the entire… just wait ‘til she trots merrily through that front door later… ‘you have no friends’ indeed… that impudent filly 'will have no' allowance for an entire year by the time I’ve finished with…" O-Oh, hello darling! T-This is a pleasant surprise! You’re not usually home from work this early; what’s the occasion?”
“Hello, Spoiled. ‘Pleasant’, eh? Interesting turn of phrase. I must say, you seem rather tense. Not like your usual confident, high-and-mighty self at all. Might I ask what the matter is?”
“Answering a question, with a question? Really Filthy, most uncouth. Well, I suppose I’ll entertain your insubordination just this once. If you must know, Wifey’s had rather a rough day at her job. She was just about to make herself an oat co*cktail with lemongrass and retire to the bedroom, until the opportunity presented itself for her to correct an outrageous injustice that happened earlier. But you’ve arrived first instead, so… anyway, are you going to tell me what you’re doing at the mansion so soon, when you’re normally hard at work entertaining important clientele at Barnyard Bargains until late in the evening?”
“Funny you should mention that dear, because that’s exactly what I was doing until about fifteen minutes ago.”
“F-Fifteen minutes? But… doesn’t it usually take you about half-an-hour to come home?”
“I caught a faster stagecoach, for a change. I also gave my regular driver the night off on the way out, and then communicated via intermediaries to let the rest of my staff have the evening to themselves on full pay. Celestia knows, they’ve earned it from what they’ve had to put up with since…”
“Oh, I know our Diamond can be a tad rambunctious sometimes dear, not to mention blatantly disobedient. But really, you shouldn’t speak about her in those terms, especially when she isn’t around. All it would take is an adequate child psychologist to put her back on the straight and narrow, like I’ve been recommending you do for months now. Have you seen Jet Set and Upper Crust’s little trooper, Gold Dust? Ever since he started attending appointments at the IFUC Institute For Unruly Children, it’s like he’s a different pony! Only a thousand bits a session too… which is a bargain, when you consider the long term rewards.”
“Gold Dust… Gold Dust… oh, wait. Now I think I know who you mean. Isn’t he that sullen sad-looking yellow colt that’s always sulking about, who used to play buckball and hoof-tennis with Diamond and the others? I seem to remember he was generally pretty good at sports, the coach at Ponyville Elementary even took me aside to tell me he might make the team at the last Parents Evening I attended alone. Nowadays though… probably not. I will say one thing for his mother and father; they certainly got their money’s worth if they wanted a completely changed child.”
“B-Be that as it may, some of us have to make sacrifices amongst the upper echelons of society to get where we are. Do you really think I’d allow our Diamond to attend that horror of a public school here in Ponyville stuffed to the rafters with confused, insignificant, low-life blank-flanks and inept, coffee-swilling, lower-class teachers, if I had any other choice? I keep telling you: all it would take to improve our future prospects and those of our daughter by an infinitesimal amount would be to pack up our things tomorrow and relocate to Canterlot full-time. We have the resolve, we have the resources, and we have the status… so what’s stopping us?”
“By ‘we’ I suppose you mean you Spoiled, but I suppose from your perspective that’s an accurate summation as you generally make all the choices for both of us. I decided long ago to invariably let you have your way… after all, a stallion’s ears can only take so much verbal punishment. I’m afraid in this instance though, I’m going to have to put my hoof down. All my major trading partners live within easy distance around here, Applejack being just one example. I also happen to have cultivated many friendships and acquaintanceships in Ponyville over the years, that I’d be unwilling to break for the sake of an unhappy mare who has none.”
“Why, how dare you… I’ve never heard such rudeness in my entire…”
“From what I gather happened a few hours ago, yes you have. From the lips of our own filly, nonetheless. And I’d hardly call it ‘rudeness’ when it’s one-hundred percent correct. Go on, prove me wrong. Tell me the name of just one pony you’re close to in town, just one… and I’ll retract my statement with interest.”
“W-Well… there’s those two charming differently-coloured ponies who are always looking after me at the spa…”
“Lotus Blossom and Aloe don’t count, Spoiled. They’re only nice to you because you spend so many of my bits there… and I’ve heard on the grapevine what they say about you when you’re not a customer. Suffice to say, it isn’t that complimentary. Who do you think started that ‘spurious’ rumour your surname started with a ‘B’?”
“What?! Why, those two-faced, lying, deceitful…”
“Hmm. Strange that, coming from a pony who apparently shouted that they were ‘funny foreigners’ in front of everypony the other day, and said she’d ‘kick their hindquarters back to whatever Eastern Equestrian backwater they came from faster than they could blink if you ever became mayor’. As if that'll ever happen. You even imitated their accents in a ‘hilarious’ way when you said those words, didn’t you? Isn’t it a wonder they’re not better disposed towards you? A true mystery(!)”
“T-That… h-how did you find out… look, how else did you expect me to react when they forgot to open the door for me? A lady of my fine standing, married to the wealthiest entrepreneur around, should be treated with dignity and grace wherever she goes. It’s not right that two immigrants of dubious standing should insult me like that. Why, I’ve got a good mind to storm over there right now, tear up my membership card, and…”
“You’ll do no such thing. I think they’ve banned you regardless, to save you the trouble. We still have plenty to discuss, and you haven’t answered my question yet.”
“U-Um sorry Filthy, I quite lost my train of thought there. I’m not quite used to you being so.. forthright. W-Was it what I wanted for my birthday?”
“No, Spoiled… it wasn’t. I’ll say it again: do you have any friends in Ponyville, and if so what are their names?”
“...Okay darling, you win! I admit it! I have none. What are you going to do now… gloat? Laugh? Go on, rub it in as much as you want. This really is ‘Pick On Mrs Rich Day’, isn’t it?”
“Not quite, dear. Only saying things you need to hear… I’ll follow up that rare admission of honesty from you with a simple question. Have you ever considered why that is?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I intimidate them too much with my class, or I dazzle them with my natural authority so much that they don’t dare approach me. Really, who cares what the uncultured yokels here think? My kind are of a much higher elite stock, to be found in exclusive locations like Upper Manehattan and the aforementioned Canterlot. Would you like to look at some brochures with me, dear? I have some handy within a drawer in the library if you’ll just let me fetch…”
“Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough with you before: I am never going to move from a town where me and Diamond are settled to some snobby ‘paradise’ where stuffed shirts like Jet Set and Upper Crust would practically drive me insane all day with their constant boasting and hee-haw laughter alone. Now we’ve cleared that up, and you’ve failed to answer my last query so spectacularly, would you like to hear my thoughts on why you don’t have a single consort, companion, crony or anypony else worthy of the title in your life?”
“U-Um… do I have to?”
“Yes Spoiled, you do. You’ve been giving orders for most of your life and refusing to listen to anypony else but yourself for as long as I can remember, so perhaps it’s about time the horseshoe was on the other hoof. I won’t sugarcoat the truth… you’re a particularly mean, bossy, selfish, arrogant, sanctimonious, deluded, hypocritical mare with such an overinflated opinion of yourself, I’m surprised your head doesn’t float off of its own accord. I could go on, but if you’re looking for reasons why ponies cross the street to avoid you and shiver behind walls and inside bushes when you walk by with your nose in the air, I think that’s a good starting point.”
“F-Filthy… I mean, F-Filthy R-Rich. I-I’ve never seen or heard you speak to me like this before. W-What could possibly have happened today, to cause…”
“What, give you a taste of your own medicine you mean? Well, being interrupted in the middle of a do-or-die meeting with Daddy Warbucks, the owner of the biggest chain of Warbucks superstores in Fillydelphia will do that to you. All I had to do was keep that blustering blowhard blathering about his boring cruise holiday for another five minutes, the contract would’ve been signed and Barnyard Bargains could’ve gained a vital hoofhold in a part of the world where we’ve been looking to expand for ages.”
“W-What… you mean you didn’t stay? The deal fell through because you left early, and you lost everything?! What could possibly have possessed you to take such a reckless, self-destructive, bone-headed course of…”
“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe finding out through a reliable third party about my daughter being mentally abused and manipulated for years while I’ve been foolishly away for work with my head in the clouds. No wonder she was always acting out while I was at home. I’ve spent countless hours pacing about in my office wondering what the origin of her misbehaviour was, little knowing the sole source lived under my own roof! Her own mother, no less! And what’s this I heard about you shouting at her so much today she was in tears walking around town with her head bowed, and then ranting and raving at the rest of the school and Miss Cheerilee publicly about how ‘worthless’ they were? A fine way for the head of the board there to behave… I don’t think!!”
“T-That’s not… y-you’ve got the wrong end of the… s-she lost the class election to a transfer from T-Trotti... who told you all this misinformation that casts me in the worst possible light? When I get my hooves on them, I’ll…”
“You won't do anything to Applejack, or to her family! As soon as Apple Bloom told her big sister about what was going on, she galloped down to see me at work… and I’m very glad she did! That’s what true friends do; not that I’d expect a pony who’s never had any to understand. I couldn’t get back here fast enough, even if it did cost me the best deal I’m likely to get for the foreseeable future, just to see the look on your face when I delivered you these…”
“W-What’s this? Flowers? Chocolates? If it’s supposed to be a gift to make up for the terrible things you just said to me, then I’m afraid it’s not going to be that…”
“Gosh, you really don’t get it, do you? It’s divorce papers, Miss Spoiled Milk. I paid a little visit to the registry office to pick these up on my return journey. Are you beginning to understand the full picture yet? I want you out of my house, now. Take whatever you can carry in two briefcases, and go and wait on the porch. A pre-arranged taxi will be here to pick you up soon. Don’t worry about saying goodbye to Diamond, I made sure she had dinner with Silver Spoon to give you plenty of time to clear off. Celestia knows if anypony needs a break from you, it’s my darling daughter…”
“M-My?! Y-You… can’t do this! W-What’ll happen to my reputation, when everypony finds out I’m no longer Mrs… I’ll fight you for custody every step of the way, I swear…!”
“Please do! That’ll be a good way to waste your settlement bits when the divorce is at long last finalised. Do I even need to tell you how many character witnesses I’d have on my side in court, including, no less, the Princess Of Friendship herself? Just try it. We could all do with a laugh, after Tirek’s latest invasion.”
“B-But… b-but… I love you, Filthy Rich. I-I can change...”
“The only thing that'll be 'changing' around here is the locks. And maybe you did years ago, ‘dear’, maybe you did. But you’ve come a long way since that innocent and sweet farm girl I fell for back then, and not in a good way. Maybe it was partially my fault for giving you too many bits to throw around like confetti, buying you so many clothes you barely wore, gifting you so many unnecessary trinkets just left around to gather dust, letting you have so much pointless plastic surgery that’s had the opposite effect to what you intended… but it’s too late now. The die has been cast, the chickens have come to roost, and you’re out. I do have to thank you for one thing though…”
“H-Huh… W-What…?”
“...Thank you for helping me see what’s truly important in life… not business, not money, but family. Or more specifically, Diamond Tiara. You’re no longer part of the equation, obviously. I will now rearrange my priorities to make sure she comes first in everything I do from now on, and I’ll try my level best to heal some of the harm you’ve inflicted upon her in the time while I’ve been away. Hopefully, the trauma isn’t so bad as to be incurable.”
“W-What about…”
“Visitation rights? Sure, we can discuss all that, and more. Tomorrow, while Diamond is at school, with our lawyers present… and I’ll even get Randolph to bring the rest of your things downstairs. If anypony is more relieved than me to see the back of you, believe me… it’s him. Well, that’s it dear. Time to go, grab your things and get out. If you’re wondering where you can spend the night, there’s a charming little three star hotel around the corner. Maybe not quite the luxury you’re used to, but as you always say: ‘beggars can’t be choosers…’ “
“I-I never said that!”
“Oh, that’s right! That was ‘beggars should be imprisoned for vagrancy’. Sorry, my mistake. Not the biggest one I’ve made involving you though, it has to be said. Anyway, off you trot. Please close the door on your way out. It gets awfully draughty this time of year. Lastly, please pay special attention to the notice by the letterbox.”
“Y-You can’t possibly mean…”
"Yep. ‘UNDESIRABLES WILL BE FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM THE PREMISES’. Ironic, as you’re the one who insisted we put it up in the first place. Now, I can’t think of anypony who that sign applies to more…”
